I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I understand Curling. That high.
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I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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