Plan B is the new Plan A
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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