If i come over, it means nothing
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
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And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
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