just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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