mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
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