having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
