just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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