No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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