yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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