god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
