Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
