She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
