Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
