im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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