Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
