I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
