dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
