I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
