my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Randomize
