i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
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We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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