WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
