I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
