omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I FOUND THE LEGS
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
