Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
