this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
