I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
