My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
