I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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