im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I need to sanitize my soul.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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