My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
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