It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
