Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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