I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
