Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Hippo gnu deer
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
