I met the friendliest cop last night
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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