Tell her she can't have a vagina
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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