walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
You are a genius and a whore.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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