There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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