You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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