He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
being pregnant is like rehab
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
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