I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
