I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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