I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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