I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
