I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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