The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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