You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
