I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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