her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
