Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
