i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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