Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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