you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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