i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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