that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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